The Real Nicole.

It started when I was road tripping with some friends and we were talking all things life, faith and future related.  I had read in my uni reading that week about vocation and was internally wrestling with my sense of call towards ministry.  The conversation was a good one, it was honest vulnerable and real, we talked about spiritual gifts and leadership, we talked about having a heart for God and a head knowledge. I shared about how I was struggling.  Struggling to make my faith personal, and deep. Struggling to focus on God and how I was often distracted by ministry and other peoples trials.  I shared that my desire was to fall more in love with God.  To be passionate and emotional about the faith I have.  I shared about how I compared who I was to others around me and how much that detracted from what I felt and knew myself.  My road trip friends encouraged me in my faith, challenging me to focus on my personal spiritual disciplines and focusing on ...

I can't do it. I am useless. I am not worth the effort. I'm just not skilled. I'd be better off being someones assistant. I'm not a real coordinator. I'm not a real pastor. I'm not qualified to deal with that. I'm a hypocrite. I'm just not worth your time. I don't deserve it.  Statements like these run through my head constantly.  They stem from statements people have said to me over my lifetime. And they come as a result of what I feel as I approach different situations. But mostly they are just self deprecating and annoying and destroying the ability to function without doubting myself. They scream the loudest when I study or prepare something which would showcase my skills and ability to lead or showcase my opinion. The dumbest thing about these statements is that I know they aren't true.  And it's statements like this I daily try to help young people reverse in their thinking.  Yet I find myself time and time again stopping and list...