The Real Nicole.

 I’ve just finished reading ‘Post Traumatic Church Syndrome’ by Reba Riley and I found this book really life giving and validating for my faith experience.  You see, over the last few years I’ve been wrestling with the deconstruction of my faith which was so tightly held in my teens and also wrestling with the sense of call to ministry which I feel so strongly, even when it feels like I am so anti church.  Reading this book helped me to have words for my experience over the last few years and in an interview I did for radio recently, I found words to articulate the wrestle I’ve had. I don’t identify as a Christian, not because I don’t believe those things but because that label has been used to do a lot of damage. I am a person of faith. Faith in a God who loves unconditionally, faith in an institution that continues to seek new ways to love and express this good news. Faith in there being Hope, in the life and witness of Jesus and in the institution of the church and hop...

At around 25 years old, I entered a stage in life which was sort of like a quarter life crisis. I had left my ministry job in a place I loved and was feeling unsure where I was going next. I was having an identity crisis. Who was I? what was I called to and who was calling me? I searched for answers to these questions for the next few years, finding fulfilment in other ministry roles, working through being deferred from candidating for ministry, in friendships and relationships and searching for meaning in church theology, governance and polity. I blogged my confusion of identity reflecting on the popular song, ‘This Is Me’ from the movie; The Greatest Showman, explaining, “ I found myself nose-deep in books about theology and found myself for the first time actually researching and reading in an attempt to understand what I was thinking.  I have found myself stripping back my commitments in hope of finding where my passions beat most strongly.  I have left communities and fri...

I went to NYALC (National Young Adult leaders Conference) this last week and I sort of hoped to have a break from leadership. In hindsight a leadership conference probably wasn't the best place for a rest and time away from leadership and ministry. But I did have a fab time. One of the things I was most challenged about was around who I am and the confidence I can have in who and what God has called me to be.  I often find myself feeling so fearful of the future and what might be in store for me. I also doubt if I am skilled, passionate or charismatic enough to do these things I'm called to do. We spent a bit of time at NYALC talking around being created in Gods image and being a child of God knowing He has gone before us.  Relating my Christian faith to family has always been something I've really struggled with and this week I wrestled with it even more than I have previously. What does it mean to say you are a child of God? When we look at family and how ...

Social media and limited characters for bios has forced us to create an identity in as little characters or words as possible. I often do this with I am statements and statements or words about things I love.  Facebook says:  I am... 22 I am... christian I am.. Known as Muggles, Nicolee-ole, The Mugginator, Miamle and Muggers I am... a Leader, a Youth Pastor, PCW and a Dreamer i am... a friend and a Daugther I am... learning from my mistakes I am... studying a Bachelor of Ministry I am... a child of God Loves God Loves People Loves grapes Loves stationary Loves boardgames Loves teaching and leading young people Loves reading Loves friends Loves good food Loves my church Loves studying Loves worshipping a great God Instagram says: Daughter, youth pastor, Chaplain (PCW), student, friend, dreamer, follower of Christ, born to make a difference Twitter says: Jesus. Community. Laughing. Boardgames. Youth Pastor. Bachelor of Ministry Student. But is this who I really am? Or is t...