Barriers, the Unknown and theological study

This is my 5th year studying at Uniting College, I'm about $30000 in student loan debts, and only have successfully completed about half of a degree so far. 

If that wasn't enough of an opening statement to prove that study just isn't my thing, I'll finish it off by saying that I've been doing distance education for the last 2.5 years which is extra tricky and have issues with self worth and most of the time feel stupid studying ministry when I don't know anything and especially since I don't know where my future lies. 

I've found it frustrating hearing from people who used to study at college saying things like, I never got anything less than a distinction and I'd only been a Christian for a short time before studying. Or commenting on the subject selections or had made.

This year, I have approached study differently to before. It's not because I've looked at the debt I have and realised I can't afford to fail - although that is true, it's not that I've finally learnt study skills which help me do what's required - because honestly study won't be something I ever understand, it's not because I understand my purpose for the future - I don't yet but I am beginning to understand that there are lecturers who see something of worth in me even if I don't see it. 

Study is different for me this year because of what I experienced and witnessed in Kiribati last December. Study is different because I've seen hope in the unknown of study.

While in Kiribati last year, we visited the theological college for the uniting church in Kiribati. We passed along some resources to the librarian there and while there had a chance to look through the library and hear about how students at the college study.  I was amazed at the lack of resources students had in front of them and the library was filled with old books which had been donated from various parts of the world. These books were in places out of date and unhelpful but it was the best they had.  The other thing while I learnt was that students had to learn and were assessed on all there theological studies in English, not a first language for any of them. These students were determined to not let their obvious barriers of language and resources to get in the way of achieving those study. 

We also got to witness a commissioning service in Kiribati for 33 students who had just finished their studies and were about to be sent on their placement. These students were proud of the achievement and filled with hope for their futures.  As each student was commissioned and sent to their placement it was announced where they would spend the next 4 years. This was the first time these people knew where they were going. Talk about embracing the Unknown, these people did that as they stood and relieved their commissioning into their next 4 years. 

These experiences in Kiribati have changed how I study because they have shown me to persevere through the barriers I have - and be thankful I'm studying in a language I understand. But these experiences have showed me about following an unknown path and having hope that God is always good, there is success in following God and in trusting God to get through the challenge and Unknown. 

So I've approached study this year with my fear, doubt and inability in front of me but knowing that God will break through those barriers to bring me to my Unknown future.