Ugh. Feelings. Friends

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Tonight I feel ugh. I feel it because I feel alone. Abandoned. Separate. Distance. From people I call my friends. 

People that don't answer my phone calls, people that take a week or so to reply to a text message, people who don't seem to need me as a friend, people who despite all that I deeply care for.  

I don't know if I've done friendships wrong, I've certainly made mistakes plenty of times. And I was the one who moved away so I guess it's my responsibility to take the lead in the friendship if I want to continue them. But I can't help but feel sorry for myself and ask, can't they see that I need their love, support, encouragement, friendship? Can't they see that my social media only displays ministry moments and the social posts are far in between. 

I'm probably being very selfish to want deep friendship from these people. These people are genuinely good people, they are passionate, motivated and busy people who are following their dreams. These people all have lives of their own. They don't owe it to me to be there when I want them to be there. They don't owe it to me to fix my bad moods or assist me in my ministry endeavours. 

How do I have friends without being a burden to them? How do I not feel so alone? How do I navigate complex and distance based friendships? 

Tonight I feel ugh. But I hope one day I'll understand better the ugh. I hope one day I'll be able to better articulate the ugh. And one day I'll be able to be there for someone else's ugh feeling. 

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