How do you sum up an experience like Taizé?

In July this year I travelled to Taizé in France with a group of people (my friends) from South Australia. Taizé is a community in countryside France which is home to over 100 brothers who live communally in worship, service and life. Every week from all over the wold pilgrims travel to be part of the community, predominately this community of people who are welcomed are young adults. There is something special about living simply, in community and accepting the hospitality of these brothers in search for something deeper and meaningful. I wrote a collection of reflections on my trip for assessment in a guided study.  The trip was truly a life shaping trip for me. 

This week has been a different experience. There have been moments of profoundness, in conversations, reflections, songs and silence. And there have also been many frustrating moments, times where I have wished I was more honest with myself, moments I wished was different and times where I wanted God to speak but heard nothing.  There were times where I was challenged by difference of opinion, of religious practices, or standards and expectations. 

I have spent so much of my life and all of my 20s so far hating who I am and feeling limited by my ability and character.  I am tired of hating myself, I had become so accustomed to that being who I was, someone who was self-depreciating because I was worth so little and yet I don’t want to be that anymore.  I felt like I was burdening people by my presence and my inability to walk due to having a broken foot.

Overall this has been an experience which has made clear to me that I am love by God and welcome as I am.  It is clear to me that I need to accept my identity and move forward, drawing closer to God in full acceptance of who I am.  I learnt at Taizé to notice and realise who I was as a person and acknowledge the good and the bad in my character.  I was self-aware of how self-depreciating I was for the first time and I began to try to value myself more and see myself how others see me.  After all how can I love my neighbour if I don’t love myself?

Learning to love yourself is a really hard process, it has involved a lot of repetition as I realise my worth and shut down the negativity.  My minister who travelled with us was really gracious while we travelled; he called me out on the moments of self-depreciating and acknowledged the worth he saw in me.  It was because of his pastoral care; I began to accept my place within the group and didn’t worry as much about occupying too much space or burdening the others in the group.

The experience of worship, prayer and silence at Taizé, helped me to reconnect with my faith. To find spaces to spend with God for my faith development and spiritual practices.  In worship and prayer I became aware of how little time I spend seeking God in my weekly routine.  I find myself serving and studying but I find little peace in the practices and tasks for myself which would draw me closer to God.  Because of my time in Taizé I am trying to practice silence and worship in a regular time in my weekly schedule.