200 days of pandemic life

 It's been 200 days since restrictions came into place for the Covid19 Pandemic and i've been in various lockdown restrictions. I've been in a mood  for about a week now. I want to be really clear straight up, I think the restrictions are completely necessary and I am grateful that I have been kept safe and healthy from what is a very contagious virus and im thankful that by these restrictions i've been able to keep vulnerable people around me safe. 

The thing is, i've just had enough. In Melbourne, things really suck and it's still a while until things are going to get better. We have done an amazing job going from 700 cases a day to 14 a day. But its been a long 6 months. And with new clusters and little outbreaks around the place, its still long from over. 

Its been a long time of being alone, of not seeing friends or family, its been a long time of not being able to do things such as shopping or exercising the way you are used to. A long time of checking your 5km radius before you order click and collect, or checking the clock at night before popping out for food. It's a long time of being creative and doing things differently in church and in how we interact in all the communities we are part of. Our kids (not that i have my own) have been doing remote learning away from sports, friends and the classroom for most of the year. Having only completed 8-10 weeks in the classroom this year. 

This week i've cracked. i lay awake at night questioning what im going to do the next day. sure i have things to do, but do they matter? will anyone appreciate the work i do, or respond and acknowledge recieving the work, i've done. Will my parcels arrive that i ordered weeks and weeks ago that I'm still waiting on, with gifts for me, things to keep me busy, and supplies to improve my ability to work from home? 

Its just that at the start of this pandemic, we are all in this together made sense, but then it became australia and victoria and for those of use in Victoria is has been really rough, its been a long six month and its not over. Its seems to me that Victoria is now alone in this. We are locked out of every other state and territory, we have lost over 800 people to the virus, and we have been in one of the toughest lockdowns in the world for almost the longest. 

I guess I have cracked because all i feel is sadness about the pandemic, of all the things we have lost, both individually and collectively as a society. Sad about the missed opportunities and moments, of the stress, pain and heartbreak. fear of the future, what do i do next, is my direction still clear or has this changed everything? And mostly I'm mad because it seems like everyone else in all the other states are having the time of their life, have forgotten about the pandemic while I'm still sitting here, having gone months without seeing other people and months without a hug or people. I miss my family, the niblets - nieces and nephew and my heart just breaks that i cant see them. Its been 10 months since i saw them. I'm frustrated because I cant go shopping, i sat alone for my birthday, i cant go to the beach and listen to the waves. I'm mad because I've driven my car once a week to church for 6 months and yet still have to pay full price for car rego when I'm not even using it. I'm annoyed that i see so many people doing things and hanging out and I cant.  I'm sad because its hard to form meaningful relationships in a pandemic when you cant meet anyone. Can you date? can you make new friends? its so hard. 

Its been really hard. Hard to get up each day and have hope and direction and focus. Its been hard to lead other people during this time and reassure them when things seem shit and i am scared and tired. Its hard to share hope when i have so little hope for myself. Its really hard to miss special moments in my families lives while im here. Its hard to see joy in this time. We talk about when we look back on this moment in history, and people talked about all the things they want to say they achieved during this time. I just want to say i made it through. I miss people and i need people to survive. 

I've pondered the church, and God a lot during this pandemic. At first i was worried I wouldnt miss the church when we didnt meet face to face, then i learnt and enjoyed certain things about it i hadnt experienced for a long time. but now i dont know what i feel. The church as an institution, im still not sure about, Im proud of the UCA and how they are standing up for a strong recovery for all from this. But im still not sure what i think about gathered worship. Sure i miss a few things, others i dont mind so much.  I have asked myself and have been asked a few times where is God in the middle of the global pandemic. To be honest, its hard to say, I don't believe God created this to teach us a lesson or anything like that. I don't know. But God is in the weary smiles of the people that have worked tirelessly. God is in the healing of nature as people have stayed home. God is in the birds, tress and flowers in your local park which you never visited before now. 

I've been writing an essay the last few weeks on the parable of the Good Samaritan found in Luke 10:25-37. I have been reflecting in my essay how would we react if the beaten on the road was covid affected. I wonder what it means to be a good neighbour or a good samaritan in a pandemic when we are told to keep our distance. Do we offer to bandage, feed and help the beaten on the road or do we walk past? do we only do it if we are adequately covered in PPE? I don't know, when my neighbour was in distress and needed help during this pandemic, i didnt think about my own protection, I just went in and helped, in my pj's without a mask. I was lucky perhaps. I just responded with haste. maybe in that moment i was a good neighbour to her, but not a good samaritan to the victorian public. 

I think i've rambled well and truely enough, this pandemic is hard. its not over. Stay safe, stay kind. happy 200 days of restrictions.