The Real Nicole.

I saw this cartoon by naked pastor in March right at the start of the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown and I wondered if Pastor Don might actually be me by the end of the lockdown. Now I didn’t imagine we wouldn’t meet as a congregation for 38 weeks and that I’d only be there for 3 before finishing up in my role as pastor, but hey that’s what happened.  My role being made redundant has forced me to confront the questions and challenges in my head, face on and question what is next for me in terms of church, worship, ministry and a place of belonging.  It’s no secret that I struggle with a Sunday liturgy, the motions and rules and rhythm of worship, do not interest me, I find it hard to see God in those words and would much rather be at morning tea talking over life and theology with the community.  The COVID-19 pandemic has forced us as a society to reconsider many things, and I wonder if we have done enough thinking or if when we were/are able if we have snuck back to our o...

 I’ve just finished reading ‘Post Traumatic Church Syndrome’ by Reba Riley and I found this book really life giving and validating for my faith experience.  You see, over the last few years I’ve been wrestling with the deconstruction of my faith which was so tightly held in my teens and also wrestling with the sense of call to ministry which I feel so strongly, even when it feels like I am so anti church.  Reading this book helped me to have words for my experience over the last few years and in an interview I did for radio recently, I found words to articulate the wrestle I’ve had. I don’t identify as a Christian, not because I don’t believe those things but because that label has been used to do a lot of damage. I am a person of faith. Faith in a God who loves unconditionally, faith in an institution that continues to seek new ways to love and express this good news. Faith in there being Hope, in the life and witness of Jesus and in the institution of the church and hop...

 It's been 200 days since restrictions came into place for the Covid19 Pandemic and i've been in various lockdown restrictions. I've been in a mood  for about a week now. I want to be really clear straight up, I think the restrictions are completely necessary and I am grateful that I have been kept safe and healthy from what is a very contagious virus and im thankful that by these restrictions i've been able to keep vulnerable people around me safe.  The thing is, i've just had enough. In Melbourne, things really suck and it's still a while until things are going to get better. We have done an amazing job going from 700 cases a day to 14 a day. But its been a long 6 months. And with new clusters and little outbreaks around the place, its still long from over.  Its been a long time of being alone, of not seeing friends or family, its been a long time of not being able to do things such as shopping or exercising the way you are used to. A long time of checking you...

At around 25 years old, I entered a stage in life which was sort of like a quarter life crisis. I had left my ministry job in a place I loved and was feeling unsure where I was going next. I was having an identity crisis. Who was I? what was I called to and who was calling me? I searched for answers to these questions for the next few years, finding fulfilment in other ministry roles, working through being deferred from candidating for ministry, in friendships and relationships and searching for meaning in church theology, governance and polity. I blogged my confusion of identity reflecting on the popular song, ‘This Is Me’ from the movie; The Greatest Showman, explaining, “ I found myself nose-deep in books about theology and found myself for the first time actually researching and reading in an attempt to understand what I was thinking.  I have found myself stripping back my commitments in hope of finding where my passions beat most strongly.  I have left communities and fri...

When I was in Paris earlier this year, I had the opportunity to visit ‘ Atelier Des Lumières’ , the workshop of light. It was a warehouse with a digital art show, using light and projection on the reflection of mirrors, walls and water to create images. Displaying the works of Van Gogh; Starry Night as well as other displays titled Dreamed Japan, and Verse.   I am not normally one to be overwhelmed by art, I see it and appreciate the need for it but it doesn’t often speak to me.   However when I sat and watched this display for an hour in Paris I was moved to tears. The paintings of Van Gogh, flowers, irises, sunflowers, wheat fields, portraits of people, and starry night moved slowly across the walls bouncing off different features of the warehouse and I sat and cried. I had become immersed into the paintings, the colours speaking to my soul. The Japanese art began and I still found myself lost in the pictures. Cherry blossoms grew up the wall and then were blown with t...

In July this year I travelled to  Taizé  in France with a group of people (my friends) from South Australia.  Taizé   is a community in countryside France which is home to over 100 brothers who live communally in worship, service and life. Every week from all over the wold pilgrims travel to be part of the community, predominately this community of people who are welcomed are young adults. There is something special about living simply, in community and accepting the hospitality of these brothers in search for something deeper and meaningful. I wrote a collection of reflections on my trip for assessment in a guided study.  The trip was truly a life shaping trip for me.  This week has been a different experience. There have been moments of profoundness, in conversations, reflections, songs and silence. And there have also been many frustrating moments, times where I have wished I was more honest with myself, moments I wished was dif...

I've found myself in many places within the Christian context recently that has asked the question, Why are you you still here (in church)? Why are you still a Christian? What made you stay connected to faith and church when many others your age left? Why are you still at church? This question has been answered in the context of ministry to young people, what makes people stay in church and how do those in ministry enable space for those to ask these questions and consider what it means for them to leave or stay? When I was first asked this question my answer was obligation. I stayed in church because I was leading in children's and youth ministry and didn't know how to get out of the commitment. I didn't want to let people down.  So I served, in any and all the ways I could to try and find faith in the leadership opportunities.  Eventually I think the answer became more than obligation. I stayed connected to the church because I was drawn to community and to a plac...

"Well, it must be so fun and full of joy to always get to play with children for your job. Colouring in, bubbles and craft, I have the older ones-  teenagers, they are starting to have the real issues, its difficult, doing what I do, it  must be for easy and fun for you." This was the start of a conversation I found myself in the other week, in that moment I had a choice of responses to make, I could either; A) Smile and agree B) shut them down, argue and tell them about the 'real issues' I had faced with the children in my care in that last fortnight. C) smile and tell them how its not always that simple and easy but how its a privilege to walk alongside and listen to children in the joy of colouring in and the pain of life. I chose option C.  Even though I really wanted to take option B and get all 'real issues' on them.  You see it really is a privilege to walk alongside and listen to children, and sometimes it is fun and games and full of bubbles ...

It seems that there comes a time when the question of identity is foundational in moving to the next step of adulthood.  I started this year really confident, sure of who I was and called; ready to face the next part of my life.  However what came next I wasn't ready for. I wasn't ready to be told my next adventure involved waiting and learning to articulate better. I didn't realise that this would throw me off completely, sending me into a quarter life crisis, leaving me asking questions of my identity in many different ways. I found myself nose-deep in books about theology and found myself for the first time actually researching and reading in an attempt to understand what I was thinking.  I have found myself stripping back my commitments in hope of finding where my passions beat most strongly.  I have left communities and friendship groups that made me feel like I needed to disguise who I truly thought I was called to be, in order to feel more free.  ...

For some of you who know me really well, you might be thinking, Nicole has always had a voice. But I want to tell you, this weekend I found my voice. It wasn't really lost, but it wasn't confident. It was hidden behind the fear of being judged or boxed a certain way. This weekend just gone we had the Presbytery and Synod meeting for the SA Uniting Church.  This is the business and governance (or AGM) meeting for the whole church.   I have been a member for a number of years at this meeting, but haven't really spoken on matters at the microphone.  This weekend, I went to the mic, not just once, but 4 or 5 times. Now, you might just say, well yeah, that's the process, you were just doing due diligence to the role and reason you were at the meeting.  You are right but let me explain a little more about why it was important for me to find my voice. During the first day of the meeting, in smaller working groups, I cautiously and nervously shared my thoughts....

There is a lot going on in the world at the moment.  It seems messy, confusing, chaotic and hurtful.  Asylum seekers without a home, starving and dying in waiting. The outcome of a survey being fought over. Climate change affecting people's homes.  Terrorism and gun violence a daily occurrence.  Young people seeking someone to notice them, young people seeking someone to care, young people crying out. Mental health issues increasing, sexual assault and violence, domestic violence.  War. Poverty. Pain. Hurting. Where is the Love?  We hear the cries but are we actually listening? Do we actually hear the cries of the people around us? Do we hear the cries of the world? Do we hear the cries of the voiceless? Do we hear creations cries? Are we listening to the prophetic voices in our world? As I was driving to youth drop in this afternoon from school, the song 'Where is the Love?' by Black Eyed Peas came on the radio.  As I listened to the ...

As a child I was often considered clumsy. I often drop things, I trip over, I constantly have bruises from bumping into doors, cupboards, etc. I'm not exactly a model of balance.  What I really need in my life right now though is balance.  Not so much the ability to not walk into door frames or stand up straight, although that would be helpful. But balance in all that I am doing and managing in life.   You see recently I over-committed and it wasn't until I was in the thick of it that I realised what a terrible mistake it was.  4 days work in something I absolutely live, but takes a lot of emotional energy, 3 subjects in a Bachelor of Ministry (75% load - full time equivalent), kids club, youth drop in and small group leading, community outreach/drop in at shops, youth ministry nights at my church. Its all a bit too much in a week.  But it gives me life - mostly. But socially it isolates me.  Living and doing ministry in Naracoorte was isola...

Dear White Middle Class Christians, I hate you and I hate everything about you. I've spent the last 3 months really frustrated by you.  Maybe even angry at you.  I am annoyed by the God you supposedly believe in - its not the God I know, the God who cares for all people. The God who sent His Son to walk among the broken and the sinners. I feel like you just don't understand the privilege you actually sitting in. You talk about going out into the world and serving others, but you really just mean the people that are like you and people who would be willing and have the resources to contribute in your circles.  You talk about brokenness and hardship and reference war and poverty in Africa, you don't understand that in the streets around you there are people faced with the same everyday.  You talk about your own hardships as if something really awful has happened, but the reality of the situation is that you just had a bad day and need a nap because you are grumpy. ...

...In an attempt to develop further as a christian leader, I am posting sermons I have prepared for my studies or for ministry opportunities. Please feel free to comment to add helpful hints so I can develop. .... A call to Maturity Hebrews 5:11-6:12 Naracoorte UC - September Series 2016 This passage in Hebrews is one passage that is used to explain about spiritual maturity.  The writer of Hebrews uses an example of physical maturity as a way to explain what spiritual maturity is.  Some signs of growing up or adulting as I call it is that you become independent from those who raise you, you as responsible for getting your own food, paying your own bills and making sure you clean up after yourself.  I used to go food shopping with mum every week when I lived at home and I used to find it really enjoyable, when I moved here and into my own place the first few times I went shopping was such a novelty, I walked the isles hoping that people were noticing how good ...

  ...In an attempt to develop further as a christian leader, I am posting sermons I have prepared for my studies or for ministry opportunities. Please feel free to comment to add helpful hints so I can develop. .... A condition-less compassion Genesis 25:18-34 Do you have an older sibling? Are you a younger sibling who wished they get the rights and responsibility of the eldest? Or are you the oldest sibling? DO you understand the value of your position in the birth order? Was there things you got or rules made which benefitted you over your siblings? In my family I am a middle child.  The second girl . before the arrival of the golden child – a boy.  In my extended step family of 5 now adult children. I’m still a middle child.  I‘ve tried every middle child complaint in the book and the middle child realities has been well lived out in my life. I was the only one to receive all the hand me downs.  I was the only one to have to wait until I was 13...