Defining voices
I can't do it. I am useless. I am not worth the effort. I'm just not skilled. I'd be better off being someones assistant. I'm not a real coordinator. I'm not a real pastor. I'm not qualified to deal with that. I'm a hypocrite. I'm just not worth your time. I don't deserve it.
Statements like these run through my head constantly. They stem from statements people have said to me over my lifetime. And they come as a result of what I feel as I approach different situations. But mostly they are just self deprecating and annoying and destroying the ability to function without doubting myself.
They scream the loudest when I study or prepare something which would showcase my skills and ability to lead or showcase my opinion.
The dumbest thing about these statements is that I know they aren't true. And it's statements like this I daily try to help young people reverse in their thinking. Yet I find myself time and time again stopping and listening to these voices falsely defining who I am until I give up or am so exhausted from the fear and hurt of the voices i just produce something.
Study is hard. Not because of what I'm studying or what I have to do, but because of these defining voices in my life. Preaching is hard for the same reasons. Occasionally life is too hard entirely for the same reason.
The thing with these moments is that it often makes me produce rubbish work. I get so caught in the internal voices that the rational thinking and information i know gets buried and I find myself producing work that backs up the voices in my head. Work that is not worth the effort, work that makes me look unqualified, work that just proves I can't do it.
I am better than these defining voices. I am not who and what they say I am. I just need to teach myself to hear other voices. Right now that seems so hard. But I'll keep trying. And i'll keep asking those around me who know of these voices to continue encouraging me.
I am learning who I truly am called to be and starting to try to listen to the good voices in my life.
Statements like these run through my head constantly. They stem from statements people have said to me over my lifetime. And they come as a result of what I feel as I approach different situations. But mostly they are just self deprecating and annoying and destroying the ability to function without doubting myself.
They scream the loudest when I study or prepare something which would showcase my skills and ability to lead or showcase my opinion.
The dumbest thing about these statements is that I know they aren't true. And it's statements like this I daily try to help young people reverse in their thinking. Yet I find myself time and time again stopping and listening to these voices falsely defining who I am until I give up or am so exhausted from the fear and hurt of the voices i just produce something.
Study is hard. Not because of what I'm studying or what I have to do, but because of these defining voices in my life. Preaching is hard for the same reasons. Occasionally life is too hard entirely for the same reason.
The thing with these moments is that it often makes me produce rubbish work. I get so caught in the internal voices that the rational thinking and information i know gets buried and I find myself producing work that backs up the voices in my head. Work that is not worth the effort, work that makes me look unqualified, work that just proves I can't do it.
I am better than these defining voices. I am not who and what they say I am. I just need to teach myself to hear other voices. Right now that seems so hard. But I'll keep trying. And i'll keep asking those around me who know of these voices to continue encouraging me.
I am learning who I truly am called to be and starting to try to listen to the good voices in my life.
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