The Real Nicole.

I saw this cartoon by naked pastor in March right at the start of the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown and I wondered if Pastor Don might actually be me by the end of the lockdown. Now I didn’t imagine we wouldn’t meet as a congregation for 38 weeks and that I’d only be there for 3 before finishing up in my role as pastor, but hey that’s what happened.  My role being made redundant has forced me to confront the questions and challenges in my head, face on and question what is next for me in terms of church, worship, ministry and a place of belonging.  It’s no secret that I struggle with a Sunday liturgy, the motions and rules and rhythm of worship, do not interest me, I find it hard to see God in those words and would much rather be at morning tea talking over life and theology with the community.  The COVID-19 pandemic has forced us as a society to reconsider many things, and I wonder if we have done enough thinking or if when we were/are able if we have snuck back to our o...

 I’ve just finished reading ‘Post Traumatic Church Syndrome’ by Reba Riley and I found this book really life giving and validating for my faith experience.  You see, over the last few years I’ve been wrestling with the deconstruction of my faith which was so tightly held in my teens and also wrestling with the sense of call to ministry which I feel so strongly, even when it feels like I am so anti church.  Reading this book helped me to have words for my experience over the last few years and in an interview I did for radio recently, I found words to articulate the wrestle I’ve had. I don’t identify as a Christian, not because I don’t believe those things but because that label has been used to do a lot of damage. I am a person of faith. Faith in a God who loves unconditionally, faith in an institution that continues to seek new ways to love and express this good news. Faith in there being Hope, in the life and witness of Jesus and in the institution of the church and hop...

 It's been 200 days since restrictions came into place for the Covid19 Pandemic and i've been in various lockdown restrictions. I've been in a mood  for about a week now. I want to be really clear straight up, I think the restrictions are completely necessary and I am grateful that I have been kept safe and healthy from what is a very contagious virus and im thankful that by these restrictions i've been able to keep vulnerable people around me safe.  The thing is, i've just had enough. In Melbourne, things really suck and it's still a while until things are going to get better. We have done an amazing job going from 700 cases a day to 14 a day. But its been a long 6 months. And with new clusters and little outbreaks around the place, its still long from over.  Its been a long time of being alone, of not seeing friends or family, its been a long time of not being able to do things such as shopping or exercising the way you are used to. A long time of checking you...

At around 25 years old, I entered a stage in life which was sort of like a quarter life crisis. I had left my ministry job in a place I loved and was feeling unsure where I was going next. I was having an identity crisis. Who was I? what was I called to and who was calling me? I searched for answers to these questions for the next few years, finding fulfilment in other ministry roles, working through being deferred from candidating for ministry, in friendships and relationships and searching for meaning in church theology, governance and polity. I blogged my confusion of identity reflecting on the popular song, ‘This Is Me’ from the movie; The Greatest Showman, explaining, “ I found myself nose-deep in books about theology and found myself for the first time actually researching and reading in an attempt to understand what I was thinking.  I have found myself stripping back my commitments in hope of finding where my passions beat most strongly.  I have left communities and fri...

I've found myself in many places within the Christian context recently that has asked the question, Why are you you still here (in church)? Why are you still a Christian? What made you stay connected to faith and church when many others your age left? Why are you still at church? This question has been answered in the context of ministry to young people, what makes people stay in church and how do those in ministry enable space for those to ask these questions and consider what it means for them to leave or stay? When I was first asked this question my answer was obligation. I stayed in church because I was leading in children's and youth ministry and didn't know how to get out of the commitment. I didn't want to let people down.  So I served, in any and all the ways I could to try and find faith in the leadership opportunities.  Eventually I think the answer became more than obligation. I stayed connected to the church because I was drawn to community and to a plac...

"Well, it must be so fun and full of joy to always get to play with children for your job. Colouring in, bubbles and craft, I have the older ones-  teenagers, they are starting to have the real issues, its difficult, doing what I do, it  must be for easy and fun for you." This was the start of a conversation I found myself in the other week, in that moment I had a choice of responses to make, I could either; A) Smile and agree B) shut them down, argue and tell them about the 'real issues' I had faced with the children in my care in that last fortnight. C) smile and tell them how its not always that simple and easy but how its a privilege to walk alongside and listen to children in the joy of colouring in and the pain of life. I chose option C.  Even though I really wanted to take option B and get all 'real issues' on them.  You see it really is a privilege to walk alongside and listen to children, and sometimes it is fun and games and full of bubbles ...

It seems that there comes a time when the question of identity is foundational in moving to the next step of adulthood.  I started this year really confident, sure of who I was and called; ready to face the next part of my life.  However what came next I wasn't ready for. I wasn't ready to be told my next adventure involved waiting and learning to articulate better. I didn't realise that this would throw me off completely, sending me into a quarter life crisis, leaving me asking questions of my identity in many different ways. I found myself nose-deep in books about theology and found myself for the first time actually researching and reading in an attempt to understand what I was thinking.  I have found myself stripping back my commitments in hope of finding where my passions beat most strongly.  I have left communities and friendship groups that made me feel like I needed to disguise who I truly thought I was called to be, in order to feel more free.  ...

For some of you who know me really well, you might be thinking, Nicole has always had a voice. But I want to tell you, this weekend I found my voice. It wasn't really lost, but it wasn't confident. It was hidden behind the fear of being judged or boxed a certain way. This weekend just gone we had the Presbytery and Synod meeting for the SA Uniting Church.  This is the business and governance (or AGM) meeting for the whole church.   I have been a member for a number of years at this meeting, but haven't really spoken on matters at the microphone.  This weekend, I went to the mic, not just once, but 4 or 5 times. Now, you might just say, well yeah, that's the process, you were just doing due diligence to the role and reason you were at the meeting.  You are right but let me explain a little more about why it was important for me to find my voice. During the first day of the meeting, in smaller working groups, I cautiously and nervously shared my thoughts....

There is a lot going on in the world at the moment.  It seems messy, confusing, chaotic and hurtful.  Asylum seekers without a home, starving and dying in waiting. The outcome of a survey being fought over. Climate change affecting people's homes.  Terrorism and gun violence a daily occurrence.  Young people seeking someone to notice them, young people seeking someone to care, young people crying out. Mental health issues increasing, sexual assault and violence, domestic violence.  War. Poverty. Pain. Hurting. Where is the Love?  We hear the cries but are we actually listening? Do we actually hear the cries of the people around us? Do we hear the cries of the world? Do we hear the cries of the voiceless? Do we hear creations cries? Are we listening to the prophetic voices in our world? As I was driving to youth drop in this afternoon from school, the song 'Where is the Love?' by Black Eyed Peas came on the radio.  As I listened to the ...

As a child I was often considered clumsy. I often drop things, I trip over, I constantly have bruises from bumping into doors, cupboards, etc. I'm not exactly a model of balance.  What I really need in my life right now though is balance.  Not so much the ability to not walk into door frames or stand up straight, although that would be helpful. But balance in all that I am doing and managing in life.   You see recently I over-committed and it wasn't until I was in the thick of it that I realised what a terrible mistake it was.  4 days work in something I absolutely live, but takes a lot of emotional energy, 3 subjects in a Bachelor of Ministry (75% load - full time equivalent), kids club, youth drop in and small group leading, community outreach/drop in at shops, youth ministry nights at my church. Its all a bit too much in a week.  But it gives me life - mostly. But socially it isolates me.  Living and doing ministry in Naracoorte was isola...

Dear White Middle Class Christians, I hate you and I hate everything about you. I've spent the last 3 months really frustrated by you.  Maybe even angry at you.  I am annoyed by the God you supposedly believe in - its not the God I know, the God who cares for all people. The God who sent His Son to walk among the broken and the sinners. I feel like you just don't understand the privilege you actually sitting in. You talk about going out into the world and serving others, but you really just mean the people that are like you and people who would be willing and have the resources to contribute in your circles.  You talk about brokenness and hardship and reference war and poverty in Africa, you don't understand that in the streets around you there are people faced with the same everyday.  You talk about your own hardships as if something really awful has happened, but the reality of the situation is that you just had a bad day and need a nap because you are grumpy. ...

Last school holidays I had the pleasure and privilege of telling and facilitating space for some of God's Story to be experienced at NCOH Youth's camp in Walkers Flat on the Murray.  NCOH is the Northern Community of Hope - a church in Daveron Park with a real heart for the community around them, a church for some of the real broken people just coming as they are and experiencing God.  I was there as part of the Access the Story team - speaking out the meta-narrative of God, and to be honest I was pretty excited to have been asked to go because I felt validated by the Access the Story crew as a capable communicator, leader or maybe even just as a leader.  It was an amazing week, of ministry opportunities, of trying things a little out of my comfort zone, of watching and responding to the community and culture and of new friendships and perceptions. My friend and colleague Trav whom I accompanied on camp shared his reflections here . There was a few things I learnt abo...

It started when I was road tripping with some friends and we were talking all things life, faith and future related.  I had read in my uni reading that week about vocation and was internally wrestling with my sense of call towards ministry.  The conversation was a good one, it was honest vulnerable and real, we talked about spiritual gifts and leadership, we talked about having a heart for God and a head knowledge. I shared about how I was struggling.  Struggling to make my faith personal, and deep. Struggling to focus on God and how I was often distracted by ministry and other peoples trials.  I shared that my desire was to fall more in love with God.  To be passionate and emotional about the faith I have.  I shared about how I compared who I was to others around me and how much that detracted from what I felt and knew myself.  My road trip friends encouraged me in my faith, challenging me to focus on my personal spiritual disciplines and focusing on ...

I can't do it. I am useless. I am not worth the effort. I'm just not skilled. I'd be better off being someones assistant. I'm not a real coordinator. I'm not a real pastor. I'm not qualified to deal with that. I'm a hypocrite. I'm just not worth your time. I don't deserve it.  Statements like these run through my head constantly.  They stem from statements people have said to me over my lifetime. And they come as a result of what I feel as I approach different situations. But mostly they are just self deprecating and annoying and destroying the ability to function without doubting myself. They scream the loudest when I study or prepare something which would showcase my skills and ability to lead or showcase my opinion. The dumbest thing about these statements is that I know they aren't true.  And it's statements like this I daily try to help young people reverse in their thinking.  Yet I find myself time and time again stopping and list...

I want to start by saying, if anything I say is triggering to you. Please stop reading and seek help. Mental health is a massive jerk.  There isn't really many other ways to put it. Mental health ruins lives, families, and communities. We have a problem in Australia. You see, too many people are dying from suicide every year. Heck too many people are dying each day due to suicide. Where is God? What is the hope for the future? And why the heck aren't more people training and trying to understand mental health situations. Now don't get me wrong, we have done a fair bit over the last few years to reduce the stigma of mental health, but we still have so far to go. The past 4 years of my life have been a massive eye opening experience to me about the mental health of my peers, friends, and people I meet even in day to days interactions. I have spent countless hours texting young people in crisis and ensurin they have someone safe to listen to them. I have spent too ...

Over the last few weeks, South Australia and other parts of eastern states have faced some massive storms.  Cyclone strength winds, rain, flooding landslides and statewide power outages have battered the state and left people struggling and questioning what season it really is. I have done a bit of driving recently, from my home in Naracoorte to Adelaide.  I have seen the affects of the weather on the land across the state as I've travelled and there is a few things which has stood out to me. Being the good theological student I am, I have reflected on this experience from a lens of the bible and some of my own internal turmoil currently.  Let me share some of my reflections with you. The main thing i have noticed is that the strong winds and ground which is unusually wet often results in trees falling over.  Now some trees stay standing tall, but others seem to fall over, why is that? I think the thing that makes the trees fall over is that the tree roots ar...

I went to NYALC (National Young Adult leaders Conference) this last week and I sort of hoped to have a break from leadership. In hindsight a leadership conference probably wasn't the best place for a rest and time away from leadership and ministry. But I did have a fab time. One of the things I was most challenged about was around who I am and the confidence I can have in who and what God has called me to be.  I often find myself feeling so fearful of the future and what might be in store for me. I also doubt if I am skilled, passionate or charismatic enough to do these things I'm called to do. We spent a bit of time at NYALC talking around being created in Gods image and being a child of God knowing He has gone before us.  Relating my Christian faith to family has always been something I've really struggled with and this week I wrestled with it even more than I have previously. What does it mean to say you are a child of God? When we look at family and how ...

I often talk about calling and how I so strongly felt called to move to the country to do youth ministry. I talk about wanting to listen to what God has to say about the ministry I am passionate about.  But what happens if the logistics and realities of life seem to be getting in between my calling?  For the last couple of weeks I fasted, 21 days in a Daniel fast. Meals consisting of fruit and vegetable. A spiritual practice I hadn't tried before. I did this for a few reasons. I wanted to learn some disciple in my faith. I wanted to intentionally spend time trying to draw closer to God. I wanted to allow space in my life to hear from God, particularly on matters of importance around calling and the future. I also wanted to pray around the finances of our church as it was in a bad situation.  What did I learn and hear during my fast? Not a lot and quite a lot.  I learnt that while food is a love language and a place which welcomes hospitality; for me it ...

Tonight I feel ugh. I feel it because I feel alone. Abandoned. Separate. Distance. From people I call my friends.  People that don't answer my phone calls, people that take a week or so to reply to a text message, people who don't seem to need me as a friend, people who despite all that I deeply care for.   I don't know if I've done friendships wrong, I've certainly made mistakes plenty of times. And I was the one who moved away so I guess it's my responsibility to take the lead in the friendship if I want to continue them. But I can't help but feel sorry for myself and ask, can't they see that I need their love, support, encouragement, friendship? Can't they see that my social media only displays ministry moments and the social posts are far in between.  I'm probably being very selfish to want deep friendship from these people. These people are genuinely good people, they are passionate, motivated and busy people who are following th...