The Real Nicole.

 It's been 200 days since restrictions came into place for the Covid19 Pandemic and i've been in various lockdown restrictions. I've been in a mood  for about a week now. I want to be really clear straight up, I think the restrictions are completely necessary and I am grateful that I have been kept safe and healthy from what is a very contagious virus and im thankful that by these restrictions i've been able to keep vulnerable people around me safe.  The thing is, i've just had enough. In Melbourne, things really suck and it's still a while until things are going to get better. We have done an amazing job going from 700 cases a day to 14 a day. But its been a long 6 months. And with new clusters and little outbreaks around the place, its still long from over.  Its been a long time of being alone, of not seeing friends or family, its been a long time of not being able to do things such as shopping or exercising the way you are used to. A long time of checking you...

As a child I was often considered clumsy. I often drop things, I trip over, I constantly have bruises from bumping into doors, cupboards, etc. I'm not exactly a model of balance.  What I really need in my life right now though is balance.  Not so much the ability to not walk into door frames or stand up straight, although that would be helpful. But balance in all that I am doing and managing in life.   You see recently I over-committed and it wasn't until I was in the thick of it that I realised what a terrible mistake it was.  4 days work in something I absolutely live, but takes a lot of emotional energy, 3 subjects in a Bachelor of Ministry (75% load - full time equivalent), kids club, youth drop in and small group leading, community outreach/drop in at shops, youth ministry nights at my church. Its all a bit too much in a week.  But it gives me life - mostly. But socially it isolates me.  Living and doing ministry in Naracoorte was isola...

I want to start by saying, if anything I say is triggering to you. Please stop reading and seek help. Mental health is a massive jerk.  There isn't really many other ways to put it. Mental health ruins lives, families, and communities. We have a problem in Australia. You see, too many people are dying from suicide every year. Heck too many people are dying each day due to suicide. Where is God? What is the hope for the future? And why the heck aren't more people training and trying to understand mental health situations. Now don't get me wrong, we have done a fair bit over the last few years to reduce the stigma of mental health, but we still have so far to go. The past 4 years of my life have been a massive eye opening experience to me about the mental health of my peers, friends, and people I meet even in day to days interactions. I have spent countless hours texting young people in crisis and ensurin they have someone safe to listen to them. I have spent too ...

Tonight I feel ugh. I feel it because I feel alone. Abandoned. Separate. Distance. From people I call my friends.  People that don't answer my phone calls, people that take a week or so to reply to a text message, people who don't seem to need me as a friend, people who despite all that I deeply care for.   I don't know if I've done friendships wrong, I've certainly made mistakes plenty of times. And I was the one who moved away so I guess it's my responsibility to take the lead in the friendship if I want to continue them. But I can't help but feel sorry for myself and ask, can't they see that I need their love, support, encouragement, friendship? Can't they see that my social media only displays ministry moments and the social posts are far in between.  I'm probably being very selfish to want deep friendship from these people. These people are genuinely good people, they are passionate, motivated and busy people who are following th...

One thing I've really struggled with since being Is Naracoorte is making friends. Don't get me wrong I've got some mates. But every week at church it's a real struggle to know who I should sit with. I pray that youth will come and not have their family with them to sit with. Often I sit alone. It's not nice. A few years ago I wrote for the New Times (Uniting Church SA magazine) about being a young adult in church and not being treated as an adult because its the church you grew up in and older members of church don't really realise you have grown up because they remember you as a kid. I thought when I moved churches and started in leadership I would be treated as an adult. But I still find that difficult in my new context. Not because people are horrible but I think because the age gap is big. Most of the church congregation is 40 years old and older. In fact I think there are maybe 5 people aged 20-40 in the congregation. Then there are youth.  Now these ot...

One thing that totally blows my mind and overwhelms me is how much my life has changed in 6 months.  Now I don't mean that in a bad way, because some of the things I've done and achieved is awesome. But it really does shock me.  6 months ago I was living at home and leading in the youth group of the church I grew up in. I wasn't unhappy, I fact I loved it, I was exploring what God wanted me to do though. With my whole life for a long time. I like details, and I don't feel like I have very many in that category. But God has sent me on this awesome journey to the country and I really love it here. I love the community and the slower pace, I love that I feel safe walking around and generally being here and there is loo worry about doors not being locked and stuff.  I love the sporting community and atmosphere, I totally would have done sport growing up if it was like that in the city and you didn't have to pay a million bucks and be elite to get good sporting communi...

I have this friend. She is great. One of my best friends I'd say. Probably my closest friend. Why? Well I meet her at the start of this year when she started attending at my church. Funny story actually when we first met we joked around quite a bit, I thought she was great. I was talking the the youth pastor about how awesome she was - he knew her from a previous church - he was like she's great, be her friend and get her to youth lead with you. Now my youth pastor was only joking when he told me to befriend her so she will be a youth leader. But that's exactly what happened not like that though. The first night we lead a small group together was awesome, I loved having someone who just seemed to so naturally bounce off what I had to say and finish my questions. We were Bert and Ernie the youth ministry world. We road tripped to Sydney for hillsong together and it was some of the best fun I've had. She encouraged me, laughed at and with me, danced with me, support...