This is Me - A struggle for identity

It seems that there comes a time when the question of identity is foundational in moving to the next step of adulthood.  I started this year really confident, sure of who I was and called; ready to face the next part of my life.  However what came next I wasn't ready for. I wasn't ready to be told my next adventure involved waiting and learning to articulate better. I didn't realise that this would throw me off completely, sending me into a quarter life crisis, leaving me asking questions of my identity in many different ways.

I found myself nose-deep in books about theology and found myself for the first time actually researching and reading in an attempt to understand what I was thinking.  I have found myself stripping back my commitments in hope of finding where my passions beat most strongly.  I have left communities and friendship groups that made me feel like I needed to disguise who I truly thought I was called to be, in order to feel more free. 

It has been during this hard time that I first heard the words of ‘This Is Me’ a popular song from the movie The Greatest Showman’.  Link here in case you need to hear it. 

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

In the middle of what feels like an identity crisis as I work out who I am and where I’m supposed to be heading in life and what I truly believe,  these words have become a real comfort to me. A bit of a power anthem as I reflect on my past which deeply shapes me, but looked forward towards what I hope is to come on the horizon.

I won't let the disappointment or the harsh words cut me down.  I'm not going to let this break me down.  I'm not ashamed of my scars and my past. Because what I'm learning is there is a place for me, even when I am bruised, broken down and feel like I'm drowning.  I'm going to march. I'm going to beat my drum, and I make no apologies for being me. 

But to be honest, there are places in my life where I say I'm not scared to be seen, but its mostly just me trying to be brave and while I'm starting to be brave to myself about who I am, I still gathering the confidence to declare who I am and be comfortable to say that without being afraid of being truly seen.  

I'm so thankful for the people in my life who are marching to the beat of my drum, those who are championing me and who see my value, worth and influence before I am confident enough to acknowledge it.  I don't know how to be sure of who I am and where I called to be, maybe I just need to start belting out the words of this song until I am confident that it is who I am.  Maybe in seeking the counsel of these older, wiser, articulate women in my life, I'll hear the wisdom I need to be able to live out my identity confidently.  

All I know is that in the struggle to know my identity, things are lost.  My voice is silenced by fear of being wrong.  My confidence lacks as I live afraid of being who I am, in case it turns out it's not actually who I am deep down.  I am confused and fearful of whats to come and how this struggle of identity might consume me. 

So... This is Me.