Wear it Purple - My call to acceptance and inclusion

At around 25 years old, I entered a stage in life which was sort of like a quarter life crisis. I had left my ministry job in a place I loved and was feeling unsure where I was going next. I was having an identity crisis. Who was I? what was I called to and who was calling me? I searched for answers to these questions for the next few years, finding fulfilment in other ministry roles, working through being deferred from candidating for ministry, in friendships and relationships and searching for meaning in church theology, governance and polity. I blogged my confusion of identity reflecting on the popular song, ‘This Is Me’ from the movie; The Greatest Showman, explaining, “I found myself nose-deep in books about theology and found myself for the first time actually researching and reading in an attempt to understand what I was thinking.  I have found myself stripping back my commitments in hope of finding where my passions beat most strongly.  I have left communities and friendship groups that made me feel like I needed to disguise who I truly thought I was called to be, in order to feel more free.”[1]

 I went on to express how the lyrics of the song declaring ‘I am brave, I am bruised and I am not scared to be seen’, were declarations in my life, and some which couldn’t be made confidently because I was scared in many ways.  I finish the blog post by saying; “All I know is that in the struggle to know my identity, things are lost.  My voice is silenced by fear of being wrong.  My confidence lacks as I live afraid of being who I am, in case it turns out it's not actually who I am deep down.  I am confused and fearful of what’s to come and how this struggle of identity might consume me. So… This Is Me.”

At the end of 2018 I found myself broken spirited and confused, as a member of the UCA assembly I had been involved in conversations about doctrine and theology namely around the conversation of sexuality and marriage, I listened and participated as the UCA publicly declared who they were and what they stood for. I was proud of my church and hopeful that perhaps I could make the same stand, and be open about who I was. But the fear of being boxed, judged and tossed aside got the better of me and I ran in fear. I moved to Melbourne in February 2019 from Adelaide so I wouldn’t have to face the uncertainty and questions. All the wrestling and turmoil left my faith really broken as I entered into 2019. I had been through a process of deconstructing much of the things I was taught in faith as well as the things believed about myself as I was coming to understand who I was. But I hadn’t done the reconciliation to reform my faith. I went to Taizé in France in July 2019 hiding behind my ministry role, not sure where my faith was at all. And while I was in the Taizé community I was transformed by the message of hospitality I received. In our bible reflections we spoke around the theme of ‘let us not forget hospitality’ and we looked at the story of the prodigal son. I reflected on what it meant to say “I am no longer worthy to be called your son”, it was how I felt in life; I didn’t feel like I could claim the child of God label anymore. I didn’t know how to accept myself, could I be a child of God and be queer, how was I supposed to let God welcome me back home in what I thought was brokenness. The minister in my travel group encouraged me to consider what it would mean to come home to myself. It was in this that I became aware of how in order to offer hospitality and welcome to others we had to first accepted it for ourselves. I had to accept who I was and accept that God still wanted me and welcomed me home before I could even attempt to welcome others fully in community.

Becoming aware of who I For me to truly am as been a significant moment of transformation in how I carry myself in life.  I am now beginning to live into who I am, open and honest with those around me about my identity and strengths and limitations.  Becoming more self-aware and self-accepting has helped me to use my true voice rather than hiding behind a disguise, and that in turn makes living and working so much easier because I don’t have to work at maintaining a false identity, and I don’t feel like I am pretending with people to be someone I'm not. 

The last few years have been a journey as I have questioned, doubted, been challenged and discovered more things about myself, about God and about faith. Ultimately I wondered, can i be queer and a christian? I spent a lot of time wrestling biblically, theologically, and internally with the learned homophobia that I had. My conclusion to that question, is yes. There are many people who are queer and still faithfully living out their call from God. I am one of those people. 

I want to use my life to empower, encourage and equip young people to faithfully live out who they are, I've found peace in the last 2 years as I have found inclusive and welcoming communities within the church, in roller derby, and in the Victorian community. 

Friday 28th August is Wear it Purple Day, This is a movement which was founded in 2010 in response to global stories of young people and the headache of many young people took their own lives following bullying and harassment resulting from the lack of acceptance of their sexuality or gender identity. Wear it Purple Day is about showing LGBTIQ+ young people that they have the right to be proud of who they are, its about creating safe spaces so that LGBTIQ+ young people know they are seen and supported. Find out more info here.

I wish when I was wrestling with if I was acceptable I had people around me celebrating Wear it Purple Day. This seems to be a newish thing which we are celebrating, atleast in the church space. So today, I want to say to any young person questioning and looking for inclusion, You are loved, you are valued and you belong. I am sorry for the moments when young people haven't felt supported or included due to their sexuality or gender identity and I hope we are the change for the next generations.